poems, stories, essays, and reviews
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We are the powerful meme generation
We're the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidts
Because we're already broke
Instead of crumbling, embracing insanity
We retreat online
Where there's an AU we can get lost in
But we keep breaking the internet
Like, somehow, going viral and amusing millions
Make up for the hilarious joke we call reality
When she was a kid, she had this dream. She walked out of their nipa house, wearing only her white underwear. She walked all the way to the side of the road, where the Big People were gathered. She stared at them, and they stared at her. As they continued to stare, she slowly became aware of her nudity.
She felt shame.
She wanted to run back and hide in their house, but her feet wouldn’t obey her. So she returned her gaze at them, scared this time. But the Big People didn’t do anything. They just continued staring. Then, they started to whisper among themselves. Then they started to point their fingers at her. She wanted to run as fast as she could, but she was glued to where she was standing, terrified. She didn’t know what to do.
Then, she woke up.
She never told anyone. It felt deviant. She didn’t think anyone would understand. She couldn’t understand it herself, so she buried it deep — along with hazy memories of kitten murders and dragonfly mutilations.
Those dreams and memories became ghosts and haunted her from time to time. When sipping coffee, when in the middle of work, when her head was in the clouds, when in the shower, when pondering about mortality. They would appear, right at the edge of her vision.
She wondered, if circumstances were cruel, would she snicker every time she stole office supplies or kicked her neighbor’s cat? What if she were forced to grip the knife’s fatal edge to survive? Would she see those ghosts as amusing childhood recollections and not disturbing reminders of a depraved alter ego? She always wondered. What evil was she capable of?
Nobody enjoys office work. Ulan is sure of it. People who say that they live for their jobs are either liars, alien species, or totally uninteresting clones.
Turn your passion into work, they said.
Do what you love, they said.
Work will turn into play, they said.
Well, Ulan does just that. She writes for money, but she has not achieved that work-will-become-play level yet. Maybe she never will. How will she enjoy work when her office is not conducive for any kind of creative activity? How is she supposed to write well when all she sees are grey walls, grey ceilings, grey——
“Hey, Ulan, what’s the meaning of marooned?” her officemate interrupts her internal grumbling.
Google it, stupid.
“Huh? Uh . . . marooned is when you’re isolated on an island. Say, they were marooned in a deserted island for months, without food or fresh water. They were starving to the point of madness. They—”
“Okay, Ulan. I get it. I’m not stupid. You don’t have to make an essay, you know.”
You make me want to maroon myself on a deserted island. Asshole.
Ulan wants to punch her officemate in the face. She forces a laugh instead.
“Right. Sorry, I got carried away.”
When it comes to pretending, Ulan is one of a kind. Unless she wants to reveal her emotions, observers can never tell if she’s uncomfortable or not. She can flash the brightest smile to her least favorite colleague. She can easily form dirty jokes around men. But none can detect that she’s on her limits, every single time. Most people call it hypocrisy. She calls it public relations. Ulan knows she’s not the only one who practices that. At least, she knows herself well enough to realize that she is a hypocrite. And it’s not like she does that all the time with everybody. The fact is she’s always passive. She hardly shows interest in anybody. If she does not flash a smile here and there, she will attract more attention. She will be known as the anti-social, the freak, the enigma. It’s better this way. At least, the people around her think she’s normal, even though she knows she’s far from it.
She walks to her desk and starts working on her piece—if she can call it one. She’s supposed to submit it a day before, but she can’t think of an interesting topic. She has been writing about the same thing for months now, and she’s getting sick to her stomach. Is she cursed with writing about skincare and shoes and clinics for the rest of her life? Is she really that bad of a writer that the only job she can keep is writing for the stupid internet? Her life has become a monotonous drone. And the worst part is she does not know how to get out of this black hole.
She needs a diversion. Right away.
“Ulan! We’re going karaoke after work. Wanna come with?”
“Yeah! It’s Friday, bitch. Let’s live a little!”
Not the diversion she wants, but that would do for now.
***
“I’m addicted to you. Don’t you know that you’re toxic?”
Anne, one of the girls in her department, sang meaningfully to Paul. But their resident hottie seems oblivious. He just keeps drinking and flirting with Denise. Oh, the mechanics of love and flirtation. Ulan understands the game. She’s even aware of a few tricks (she has an unhealthy supply of romantic comedies). She just doesn’t want to waste her time on flirting; it’s too much of a hassle.
But these people . . . It’s obvious they enjoy this game—even when rejection after rejection awaits them. Britney’s provocative song is over. They have been here for over four hours now. It’s nearly midnight, and her officemates are so drunk they act crazier than usual. Ulan heads for the door and musters a cheerful tone.
“Hey, guys! I’m off! It’s late!”
She shouts through the drunken hoots of her officemates. They give incoherent acknowledgments and continue with their fun. Ulan is a little tipsy herself. Enough socializing for the week. She hails a taxi, gets inside, and gives the driver her address. She closes her eyes and hums along to the song on the radio.
In this time of uncertainty and health risks, we are in the constant grip of fear. It’s even more mentally and emotionally draining if you have an anxiety disorder. It’s easy to fall into a COVID-19 infection scare, especially if you’re all alone during quarantine. So if you think you do have symptoms of a COVID-19 infection, the steps below can help you handle the situation.
Although it can take up to 14 days, it can easily take only 5-6 days for the symptoms of COVID-19 to appear after getting infected. If you feel explicit symptoms such as coughing, high temperature, or difficulty in breathing, seek medical attention and call in advance:
DOH COVID-19 emergency hotlines:
02-894-COVID (02-894-26843) and 1555 for Smart subscribers
However, if you don’t have the symptoms but feel like you’re about to, take deep breaths and remember that if you have a strong immune system, your body can fight off the infection. After regaining control of your mental and emotional state, immediately do the following:
1. Distance Yourself and Monitor Your Body’s Condition
If you live alone, a self-quarantine in your home can be easily done. But if you live in a household with many family members, keep 6 feet of distance between yourself and your family members and wear a mask even inside your house. If possible, remain in your room. Avoid touching your face (particularly your eyes, nose, and mouth), and get plenty of sleep. In the meantime, try to contact friends, families, or acquaintances in the medical profession and ask for their advice and professional opinion regarding your condition.
2. Strengthen Your Immune System
During your self-quarantine, do everything to boost your immune system and help your body fight off the possible infection. Eat healthy meals, take vitamins, and get proper sleep. If your symptoms have passed after a few days, try to get tested in a licensed COVID-19 testing laboratory near you to make sure you’re infection free.
LIST OF LICENSED COVID-19 TESTING LABORATORY IN THE PHILIPPINES
3. Seek Medical Help
When a few days have passed and your condition is worsening instead of easing, seek medical attention right away.
The DOH COVID-19 emergency hotlines are 02-894-COVID (02-894-26843) and 1555.
You can ask questions if you suspect you’re infected or request assistance. According to DOH, “the information collected from emergency calls is transmitted to the COVID-19 Emergency Operations Center and other relevant agencies for immediate facilitation and response.”
Wait for advice from COVID-19 Emergency Operations Center on how to proceed with your COVID-19 test to see if you are infected. These emergency hotlines are free 24/7 services.
1. Seek Reassurance
Although you’re safe from the infection, the anxiety can still be eating you up. Don’t let it overwhelm you. Once again, talk to family or friends with medical background and look to them for reassurance of your condition. This can help a lot in stabilizing your mental state.
2. Look After Your Health and Be Alert
Stay at home as much as possible.
In situations when you need to go out, always wear a mask.
Avoid crowds and gatherings of 10 or more people.
Avoid all non-essential travels.
Keep 6 feet of distance between yourself and others.
Wash your hands frequently with soap and water (hand sanitizer must contain at least 60% alcohol).
Avoid touching your face (particularly your eyes, nose, and mouth).
Get plenty of sleep — this helps support your immune system.
3. Monitor Your Body
Always have a thermometer ready so that you can monitor your body temperature whenever you need to. This can easily become compulsive, so do this in moderation.
4. Stay Informed
It’s better to know your enemy than to remain in fear and speculation. Monitor the progress of scientific responses to COVID-19 as well as what’s happening in your community. Misinformation is rampant online (especially in social media), so stick to trustworthy sources such as legitimate news publications or official notices coming from your local government. This can also become compulsive, so check the news in moderation. If you start to feel overwhelmed, step away from the media and social media.
5. Stay Connected
If you have companions in this pandemic, then that’s a great form of support. But if you are by yourself, make an effort to connect with friends and family through calls and social media. Different people react to isolation in different ways, and not all of them are healthy reactions. Keep a small circle of people you trust and communicate with them regularly — or whenever you need support from another human being. As someone who has anxiety and has bouts of infection scare, I’m constantly paranoid to the point where I imagine my own mortality. But knowing I have people I can turn to in my lowest point helps me to keep going. You will be okay too.
References:
DOH Launches COVID-19 Hotlines 1555, 02-894-COVID
List of Licensed COVID-19 Testing Laboratory in the Philippines
