Of Dreams and Bullshit

Yes, you can be a millionaire

Just close your eyes and dream

All that bullshit they say about perseverance?

They’re not true at all

I’ve seen men

Working all their lives

For a meager salary

They get at the end of every month

I’ve heard of men

Sleeping on silk sheets

Playing king all their lives

A little problem and it’s suicide—or prison

You can find true love

Just close your eyes and imagine

All that bullshit they say about destiny?

They’re as real as the diwata

You hear in stories

They exist only if you believe

If you close your eyes

And you wish really hard——

Bullshit. The lot of it is bullshit.

created: March 7, 2013

Wila

I can see your lanky figure

Half running, half stomping

Shoulders stiff

Eyes darting from left to right

--

I can hear your voice

Can hear you tell stories not from this world

Can see myself squirm from your shrieks

Can see me beam with pride while you sing

--

You dwell in your fantasies (and books and loves!)

You're a klutz

But you have real gumption

You're weird, but I love you

For Ruwila's birthday (March 4, 1991)

Hopeless

In the depths of my desperation, I scream for help. No one hears but this little voice inside my head. But it does nothing to help my cries. It does nothing but whisper tiny words of doubt, slowly seeping into my tarnished armor. It feeds on my frustrations. It gnaws at my depression. It devours my confidence and spits out hundreds of haunting figures—fragments of my old self turned into mosaics of pretense. That little voice feeds on the dark secrets that drown me to insanity. It grows louder than my fears—keeping me awake in the middle of the night, trapping me inside my own mind.

Encounter at the Pedestrian Crossing

Did you know I would fall

The minute you said excuse me?

Did you see my eyes sparkle

As you smiled and said hello?

--- 

Did you see me gawk

As you moved those tempting lips?

Did you know I couldn’t hear you

Over the thumping of my nerves?

---- 

Did your heart flutter

When I smiled and said thank you?

Was there longing in your eyes

When I turned and walked away?

--- 

I would have turned back

If I knew you felt it too

But, in the end,

I will never know, will I?

In the end, we will never know.

created: February 20, 2013

Tiktik (Movie Review)

I have to admit Tiktik: the Aswang Chronicles exceeded my expectations. The film was very satisfactory. I'd read good reviews in the past week, and I couldn't wait to experience the film myself. We watched the last full show last Friday because we were late for the 7:15 screening. We wanted to watch the film whole, so we waited until 9:30 p.m. Anyway, I'm blabbering again. Here are my humble observations of the film.

I was intrigued because it was all studio shots and CG effects. Almost all the aswang films I saw utilized setting and prosthetic makeup as major factors of that horror feel. I practically grew up with the Shake, Rattle, and Roll films, and those were like the staple elements. This one with Tiktik was a totally new aswang film (heck, Pinoy film) experience. The movie was also more than just CG effects.

It's cool how they incorporated subtle bits of humor to the story. I mean, it was a scare, yes. I had a few shouts myself. But I was not terrified. Not so much as with the other (more hardcore) aswang films. A big factor for this, I observed, was the acting. All throughout the film, the characters never really showed pure terror, given that they were surrounded (and would most probably be feasted on) by a clan of aswang. Yes, they showed fear, but there were more bravado and determination to live. Dingdong Dantes, Joey Marquez, and Janice de Belen  did a good job in portraying their characters. But the great actors really were the aswang. They were like freaking contortionists! Their movement was like dancing--eerie and seductive at the same time. It's like something I mostly see in theaters and modern dances. Okay . . . I got carried away. Forgive me.

The other production element that really got me was the scoring/sound effects. It complemented the visuals perfectly. I can still hear that haunting "Tik . . . tik . . . tik . . ." It seriously gave me the shivers. What's even greater? Wolfgang is included in the film's movie soundtrack. That chasing scene where Dingdong Dantes and Ramon Bautista were in the truck escaping the angry aswang family? I loved it mainly because of Wolfgang's Halik Ni Hudas in the background. (Oh, I failed to mention that it's my favorite Wolfgang song.) Here's their music video made especially for the film. You can vote for it on Myx. :)

As I mentioned earlier, I was very satisfied with Tiktik. I would have watched it again this week, but I already spent my salary on online shopping (damned impulsive self). Anyway, I just noticed some inconsistencies with the amount of blood on Dingdong's sando. I believe you would notice it too if you're particular with scene consistency. Oh, and in the last scene where Roi Vinzon turned into his ultimate aswang form? It kind of looked like Ryuk of Death Note--with the overall form and the wings. But Roi Vinzon had the face of a bird, so there was a clear distinction. One more thing, there was a lot of covert advertising going on in the film. Hahaha! Other than that, it was great. I am no film critic, but if I were to rate it, it would be a 9 out of 10. It was a truly enjoyable experience. Go catch it in the cinemas now! (If you still haven't seen it.) Let's support Pinoy creativity. :)

Tiktik: the Aswang Chronicles photos were taken from Google Images.
Tiktik: the Aswang Chronicles videos were taken from Youtube.

My Moshpit Baptism

The experience I had last Friday was legendary. (I'm sorry, Barney. I can't afford to use your joke this time.) It's no joke because it really was legendary--at least for me. Wow. A rockfest. Never, in a million years, will my mama imagine herself in one. My brother might, but he's too lazy to even join the fun in the mosh pit. My sister--well, let's just say she's too innocent for this shit. But she would go. If I dragged her into it. The amazing thing is I was in a great one that night--my first concert ever. That one with Ciudad and Ang Bandang Shirley at UP Diliman was too small so it doesn't count. Haha. It was unbelievable. My concert companion, Penny, got us free PRESS/SPONSOR tickets from her officemate at the last minute! It sure as hell is better than my VIP and Penny's General Admission.

We were right there. In front of the stage. In a crowd I later realized was a mosh pit. I was in a mosh pit! The fact that I'm at least one and a half feet shorter than the people around me didn't matter. I craned my neck all night just to see the faces I only see in music videos, listen to the voices I only hear in my playlists. Constant neck craning and head banging left my neck in a most miserable condition. But it doesn't matter. I felt pure liberation. 

It was surreal that I was there, singing along with my rock heroes while they set the stage on fire. And instead of pissing me off, the nuisances around me only drove me to the brink of insanity. Assholes were pushing me--at my both sides and at my back. Some jerk was constantly pulling my hair, and some bitches kept hitting my shoulders and my head. I did not mind them. The collective sweat, the heat, even the smell only made the experience more tangible, real. But at that moment, it was just me, the music, the night, and the utter bliss in seeing my heroes perform live. 

I read somewhere that the ultimate support you can give to the bands you love is to go and watch their live performances. I'm sorry if I can't give proper credit to who said those words. I forgot where I read them, and I'm too lazy to make a Google search. Sue me. Anyway, the only way I can do that is when they come here. Actually, one of the reasons why I wanted to work in Manila is because of those freakin' rockstars. So that I can see them perform live all the time. But I gave up on the idea. I mean, Cebu is already a lot of work for me. I might turn into fish feed if I started working and living in the metro. Hay. C'est la vie. 

So, anyway, it was one of my wildest nights. I wasn't drunk, by the way. Me and Penny couldn't afford to be drunk. There were just the two of us, no male company. If we were kung fu experts, then being a woman is not a problem at all. Unfortunately, we're not. We need caution with every person we bumped into. We left the concert grounds at around one in the morning. It seemed that most of the men who populated the concert were not acquainted with the concept of chivalry (I was not surprised). So we had to wait for another hour before finally pushing our way into an available (thankfully!) bus. The funny thing is Penny still had to work on Saturday at 8:30 a.m., and we got home at around 2:30 a.m.--still plenty of time for sleep if you ask me. When my insomnia strikes, I mostly manage to force myself into two hours of fitful sleep. 

When I woke up the next morning, I was greeted by a fever and a sore throat. I'm still suffering from them now and a few other body discomforts, but I think I'll manage. You see, independence has its perks and consequences. You can absolutely go crazy at concerts without the restrictions you hate so much. But you get sick, and you'd wish you never left home. Me? My situation's perks outweigh the bad vibes. So it's all cool. I feel sad and alone all the time. But I never regret choosing independence. I never regret being free. 

In My Daydreams

Daydreaming has always been a part of my system. I fantasize on everything--the present me, the future me, a present lover, a future lover, events, opportunities, you mention it. The things that I'll never have the courage to say or do in real life are accomplished in daydreams. 

They are my ultimate escape from reality. This is the one dimension where I can manipulate everything. This is the universe where I experience love, heartbreak, gumption, recognition, talent.

I am a coward, you see. I'm afraid to do things in real life. Look. I have never loved before. I have a very hard time voicing my opinions. I am virtually invisible. And I sincerely believe I lack real talent. So, yea, I compensate through daydreams.

In my alternate universe, I am the luckiest. And although I'm not perfect, I am happier. I make up coincidental meetings all the time too, especially with my literary, film, and musical idols. The possibilities go on. The encounters are endless.

This is me inside my head. When you find me brooding in a corner staring at nothing, I'm probably in my other universe. And I hate it when people disturb me. I'm just too polite to shoot laser beams at their faces. This whole confession is just part of my secret, wonderful fantasy. You will probably drag me to the loony bin if I confess everything that's happening inside my head.

I know it's crazy, but that's how I deal with disappointment, frustration, and regret. I'm too gutless and indecisive. I passed on too many opportunities that, if only I had the courage to grab them, would have turned my life in different directions.

I always say--with much passion--that I want to meet my heroes in literature, arts, and music and just tell them how much of a fan I am. I believe, though, that when the opportunity presents itself, I will back away. I'm afraid that reality will ruin my daydreams. I'm afraid that these people are not what I picture them to be. If they turned out to be different, it's over. My illusion is shattered.

Maybe that's why I'm hesitant in everything. I hope I could wish that this mental state would change, but I can't do that. It's the only salvation I have from my everyday worries and insecurities. Depression would have eaten me alive by now if not for it. I'm pathetic, and I know it. Thing is, I don't even give a damn anymore.

So, for now I'll leave you with my favorite Brain Salad track--Anyone in a Daydream. I hope you enjoy your daydreams as much as I do.