Battling Ennui

I am the type who gets bored easily. That’s why I take advantage of what little curiosity and open-mindedness I possess. I surround myself with things, ideas, and people that will save me from unbearable ennui.

I love music, but I don’t have the natural musical abilities of the talented few who possess the gift. So, I make do. I try to play the guitar – although I’m quite terrible at it. I try to write songs. Just lyrics though because I’m bad at identifying notes, even worse at making a melody. Of the four songs I’ve written so far, three already have melodies. Thanks to friends who took pity on me and my poor lyrics. I'd like to holler a special shout out to Myra Escoro; she created the melodies for my lyrics. She's one of the most creative people I know, and these songs won't exist without her. I guess this is kind of an accomplishment for me. But it’s not enough. There’s a hunger inside me that can’t be appeased by my mediocre attempts.

So, I devour music – every genre, every artist, every song that has substance. If it triggers emotions within me, I consume it without guilt. I don’t understand why some music fanatics can be so condescending and elitist. Some do not understand the soul woven into the fabrics of rock, so they roll their eyes and call it noise. Some rock fans feel the need to be angsty and exclusive, so they bash pop – calling it trash.

Although, yes, even I will have to admit that most songs in the top 40 charts are crap. But there are hundreds more out there that deserve a few minutes more of people’s attention. Calling one genre crap because it doesn’t suit your taste is a douchy move. More importantly, it is an insult to people who dig multiple genres. I am one of those people. I devour classic rock, metal, and punk rock as much as Jpop, Kpop, and the good old American pop. As long as the music radiates soul, I will embrace it. Loyalty to your preferred genre is one thing; disrespect to other artists’ music is another story.

I love art, but I’m not an artist. The closest I have to artworks of my own are humanoids roughly drawn on MS Paint. It is absolutely frustrating to try to make art and end up lacking – big time. I always feel like a fraud. The fuck are you doing, Jen? Stop embarrassing yourself. Stop trying too hard. I know my attempts at art will never amount to anything. But sometimes, when I’m feeling creative and delusional, I draw floating heads with questionable hairstyles. I write baybayin calligraphy. And I do my best to make them look half decent. And I smile, knowing I didn’t beat myself up for making shitty art – knowing that I made them for my entertainment, my satisfaction. I smile because my stupid sketches answer my deep craving. I smile because they understand.

So, because I’m a frustrated artist with depressing attempts, I look for other means to indulge my creative sensibilities. Art/artist appreciation. Art events. Tumblr – it will never let you down. I’m also fortunate to have befriended a few illustrators, but that’s it. That’s the extent of my connections. I would have been acquainted with more artsy fartsy individuals if I weren’t an insecure, intimidated, neurotic mess.

Well, no use crying over spilt milk, says the cliché. I can’t change how I am with people and I’m sure my perennial boredom won’t be a catalyst for change. I’d rather die than talk to people I’m uncomfortable with. And most artists make me feel so little and insignificant. I collaborated with an artist friend a few months back though. Jissa wanted to make a booklet compiling Philippines’s mythos and creatures of lower mythology. Since I’m a big sucker for Philippine lower mythology, I immediately said yes. I supplied the tanaga for every creature and god she’d drawn. It was a small compilation though – just three creatures of lower mythology, three gods, and a babaylan. Thankfully, her project was received with praise. We plan to add more to our measly collection and turn it into a book. Someday. Lol. I will write a separate blog for this project. I will also include Jissa’s artwork and my tanaga to show our brilliance. HAHAHAHAHA.

Aside from music and art, I also turn to books, anime, movies, writing, filmmaking, food, and whatever new interest catches my eye. I’m good at spotting interesting activities; the problem with me is follow through and commitment. Then, I have concerns every time I consider going to events or activities. Will there be people? How many of them can tolerate me? How many of them can I tolerate? Will I have a safety net – someone who will not leave me behind for another group or another set of friends? What are the chances of me ending up at the back of the room, edging out toward the exit? Sometimes, I overthink too much that I cancel my plans altogether. Rational, ei?

Just thought I should give you a peek into my intricate thought process. Now, you won’t be surprised if I won’t show up in your event when I said I would. It’s not like I’m invited to events all the time anyway, but you know. Damn, this is awkward. I don’t know how to end this shit. Perhaps I should just call out to the eternally bored like myself. Reach out to me; let’s compare notes. But do it cautiously because I dash off when startled. Haha. See ya.