Mama

I made this for Mother’s Day. I wanted to send this through snail mail (because she’s in Bacolod and I’m in Cebu), but I’m out of cash now. And this wouldn’t reach her in time anyway. :c This one’s for her and for every mother everywhere who deserves more than our love. :)

—-

I’ll write a poem for Mama

One that’s the best in the world

You can compare it to nothing

Oh, but only to her

—-

I’ll write a song for Mama

I’ll sing of her unquestioning love

No notes are needed, really

Because she knows my every melody

—-

Alas! But the words are trapped in my tongue!

Oh no, what do I do?

How can I write that one poem for mama?

The one that’s best in the world!

—-

I boggle my mind, but no words come out

There’s only the image of her warm smile

My mama’s big, warm smile

That says everything is all right

That says she won’t leave my side

—-

Perhaps that one great poem can wait

Perhaps it needs more time

I know my mama will understand

I hope it’s worth the delay

—-

So what else can I do now?

But sing for my mama

My mama, so gentle

With her childlike happiness

—-

Mama, I give you this one true song

A song I secretly sing in my heart

Please listen intently, it’s only for you

La la la …

Fa la la la la …

April 30, 2012

Bloody First Day

First day in my new job—not bad at all. :3

Except, my period came. Ugh. Annoying. :/

But other than that, it’s all good. My boss is great. My coworkers are cool. And I got a freakin’ job, which I don’t detest. :p

Yes. Today’s not shabby at all. :)

I should go and enjoy a personal celebration, but I only have like, ninety pesos in my purse. Damn. When will I learn to save? I haven’t even watched Avengers. I haven’t even paid my three thousand peso rent. I don’t even have the luxury to buy food for tonight’s dinner. All these predicaments and I’m sulking because I can’t watch Avengers. :’c

My life sucks. But no! I got a job, and I’m alive. Those are blessings from God, worthy of praise. So my life doesn’t suck. I’m a blessed person. And this is rakenrol. ;)

Rant from My Red Book

So here I am. Unemployed. Nothing to do. Well, I can’t really say nothing. I mean, I have more time to do what I want now. But how can I do them without the freakin money? Damn. My current problem is where to get the money to pay for the rent. o.O

Don’t get me wrong—I asked for this. Damn, if I didn’t resign, I don’t know if I can still enjoy my sanity. The people I work with is a great factor why I stay in a place or group. And this particular group of pseudo-humans is up to no good. They are a bunch of arrogant, mental, snooping control freaks. I sure am glad I got out when I did. Another day in that hellhole will make me really kill myself. They don’t have a life. I really think that they had control issues in the past—that’s why they throw all their frustrations and bitterness at us. Assholes. I will NEVER work in that company again. Gawd, I’d rather die. 

Even the job was not successful in making me stay. I mean, a week before my “freedom,” I actually felt nauseated just looking at my manuscript. And I felt claustrophobic every day!

The only thing I’m sad about is because I can’t see my crushes again—and the stable income, of course. Petty, huh?

Oh, well. Story of my life. Two resignations in less than a year. Beat that, punks. HAHAHAHAHA! (I’m up to no good myself.) :’c

Turning and Twirling

Round and round the fan goes

Round and round my head twirls

I can stare at it for hours

No worries, I’m free tonight

—-

I’m free tonight

And tomorrow night

And the night after tomorrow

It’s just me, the fan, and the night

—-

I envy that device

At least it knows it’s purpose

Even though it’s just turning all day

At least it’s doing what it’s made to do

—-

And so it keeps on turning

And I keep on staring—

Tonight and for the nights to come

I stare and wonder if I can ever be of use too

April 7, 2012

As You Were

Remember me as I am—

That is what you said.

But when I think of you,

There is nothing but pure sadness.

—-

What do you want me to remember?

Your laugh? Our late-night conversations

Over bottles of beer?

Your unending passion?

Your dreams that will never be realized?

—-

There are two ways to remember,

So tell me—

Do you want me to remember you

As someone who lived for love?

—-

Or do you want me to see you

As the coward who left without warning?

As the fool who thought

He could solicit affection from despair?

—-

You were abandoned,

So you turned away from them who thrived in your existence.

You walked away,

Leaving everyone to grieve for your selfishness.

—-

Please spare us the burden of remembering you.

It is too heavy, and the pain digs deep.

You went your way; let us continue with ours.

I only hope that you are finally happy.

created: 01/31/2012

Ctrl+Alt+Delete

Minsan naisip ko,

Sana ang buhay ko parang computer—

May options ako kung gusto ko ba’ng

Shut Down, Hibernate, o Sleep muna.

—-

May mapagpipilian akong tools para pakulayin ito

Tulad ba no’ng sa Microsoft Word

O di kaya’y sa Paint—

Highlight word lang o Select Paint Bucket Tool,

Ayos na.

—-

Ayoko ng Ctrl Z, Undo Button, o Delete.

Ha! Wala na kasing thrill

At wala na ring pagmumunimuni

Kung natatama ko lahat ng mali.

—-

Ah basta, ang gusto ko lang talaga ngayon eh

Shut Down—

Manahimik. Pabayaan ang magulong mundo.

Maghintay sa kung sino man

Ang nakatakdang mag Start Up muli sa akin.

created: 01/24/2012

He, Me, and Matching Shirts

He wore black

I wore black

Our eyes locked

But I turned away

—-

I was scared

I wasn’t ready

I wanted to smile

But my mind stopped my lips

—-

Our eyes didn’t meet again

For instead of looking at his face

I looked at his hair

And the tattoo that snaked his left arm

—-

My eyes traced its intricate patterns

I wanted to face him—

Bold and confident

Oh, I pray to have the courage someday

—-

But today…

He wears white

I wear white

Our eyes lock

But I turn away.

created: 01/07/2012 

That's All There Is To It

We sit all day

We do nothing

Might as well stare at space

Or count our hair

—-

We read some

We write some

We talk some

We work some

—-

But I laugh

At their idea of work

It is so idle

It drives us to insanity

—-

Despite my internal hysteria

Despite my long bouts of paranoia

Despite the endless revulsion in my stomache

I stay

—-

Because in the end

This intolerable routine pays the rent

No matter how shitty this all feels

That’s all there is to it

created: 01/05/2012

Forgettable as My Two-syllable Name

I am as forgettable as the stones

They lie scattered, unnoticed

I am as diminutive as the ants

They crawl on walls, ignored

—-

I walk the streets and see

Lovely window displays

Rows of flashy cars

Billboards that demand attention

—-

I wish they could see me too

But I’m as invisible as the air

Overlooked in the sea of faces

Forgettable as my 2-syllable name

—-

I wander and ponder

At the core of my insignificance

I weep for my mediocrity

I bleed for my anonymity

created: 01/04/2012 

~Of Passion and Insanity

A loony sat beside me

I bolted straight right up!

And slid my butt away—

an inch after a careful inch

—-

But he sat there, oblivious

Singing like a pro

I didn’t move a muscle

Oh no, I wouldn’t dare!

—-

But how he beats to his own creation

Of gibberish tone and words

He masterfully uttered every syllable

Not a care to the staring world

—-

When he left

I still sat—dumbfounded

I should have remembered his stink

Or the assumed saliva on my hair

—-

Instead I remember his unique melody;

His palpable, transparent passion.

I slowly smiled to myself

And, amused, admired the carefree sun 

created: 01/03/2012

————

Note: This really happened to me. I was riding a jeepney to work when this amazing incident happened. :)

Holiday Tears

I wrote this on December last year.

Since I won’t be home for the Holidays (*sob* *sob*), I will make a list of what I miss from my beloved Bacolod. And since we’re in the subject of longing I’ll also include Iloilo City - since I pretty much lived there in the past 4 years.

-I hate my pathetic life- :’c

BACOLOD CITY: The City of Smiles

- Mama’s linaga (the linaga from my favorite carindiria will also do) 

Linaga or beef stew is my favorite viand of all time! My mouth waters every time I think of its delicious aroma. I especially love its broth. Pair it with hot rice and your hunger’s solved. ;) Trust me. I know.

- Calea cakes!

Those cakes are heavenly. And I’m serious. Hahaha. If by any chance you guys can visit Bacolod, go directly to Calea. Bob’s has good baked products too but it can’t beat Calea’s cakes. *Biased* :3

- The legendary Bacolod Chicken Inasal

If you haven’t heard of Bacolod’s chicken inasal then you’re missing out on one of life’s greatest gifts to the human stomach. It’s the last nice meal I had with my family before returning to Cebu last week. :’c

- My awesome family

My father’s dead so I only have Mama, my kuya Jepoy and my ate Jen Jen. I’m basically writing this entry because I can’t go home to them this Christmas and New Year. This freakin’ sucks.

- My crush who works in a frame shop :3 

As I said in one of my previous entries, I practically grew up in downtown Bacolod. Anyway, I have this little crush that’s been going on for like 3 years now. He’s my typical type - lago (someone who looks like he hasn’t taken a bath / just got up from bed), lean, etc. He’s tall though. I don’t really like tall guys because I’m short.“If ever” we will be together, I will be like, his walking stick! Gawd, no —- I don’t want that to happen. He also has dreadlocks - which I (also) don’t really like. :/ I actually don’t know why I like him —- maybe because he’s mostly “lago”. I’m attracted to “lago” more than any other traits. Hahaha. *gaga* :3

ILOILO CITY: The City of Love

I don’t really understand why they call it City of Love~ Maybe just for the heck of it. Oh well, I practically lived there for four years. I haven’t returned since I graduated —- and I really really miss my university! T.T

- Long Lazy Afternoon Walks

I love long walks on lazy afternoons - especially with my friends. :) 

- Fishball, Tempura, Pancake, Cotton Candy (and many other street food pleasures)

Miagao Plaza - this was where we usually end up after our long lazy afternoon walks. :D We would devour all kinds of street food! My favorites were tempura and cotton candy. I could only eat cotton candy during fiestas though. :(

- Roberto’s Siopao

My friend, Meggy, once said that you’ve never been to Iloilo if you haven’t eaten Roberto’s siopao — and she was right! The place is just small—because they’re Chinese and they believe that businesses should stay in one place in order to be prosperous. Someone else told me that, I forgot who. Anyway, the place may be small but their siopao surely is the best. ;)

- My “Lago” Crushes at the University 

They were my daily dose of vitamins. Hehehe. :3

- My University

It’s simply the best. I got a 4.0 (failure) and a lot of 3.0s (passing). More than one teachers terrorized/traumatized me. It didn’t make me cum laude. But it molded me to be strong, principled, and critical-minded. It fueled the fire of nationalism inside me. It helped me become mature, rational, and unbiased. It made me a better person. :)  

Okay. Since I’m already writing a list, why not include Cebu, right?

Things that I will miss if ever I leave Cebu City:

- Sanciangco St.

This place adopted me when I was still a wide-eyed immigrant from Bacolod. Hahaha! It didn’t bother me one bit that it is one of the red districts in Cebu—in fact, I think it’s an adventure. ;) Anyway, our place is safe since it’s a compound and there’s the ever dependable Manong Guard. Hehehe. :3

- Milkshake Factory

The only branch that I know is the one in SM. I looove their chocolate milkshake! I don’t know if there’s a Milkshake Factory outside Cebu so~

- PR Works Staff

They are the first family I have here in Cebu. And we jive well together. I actually miss them now. We barely see each other because of conflicting schedules. :’c

- Manang’s Kwek Kwek

I used to eat Kwek Kwek as my afternoon snack. :D Back when I was in PR Works, that is. :’c I’m always hungry nowadays. :c There’s nothing cheap (but satisfying) to eat in my new workplace. *I think I’m gonna cry*

That’s all I can think of for now. I’m very frustrated because I can’t go home for Christmas—and as it turned out, even my landlady won’t be in our boarding house for the Holidays. So I’m completely alone. :’c

Actually it’s fine. It’s all good. I’m comfortable being alone~

But it’s just so sad. I don’t want the silence to eat my sanity away.

On Alcohol~

Soju. It’s an evil, sneaky bastard. 

Okay. ~REWIND~

It was Friday. Our friend Toteng invited me and Tip for a “pahubog session” (it’s synonymous to let’s-get-drunk-bitches-session). We didn’t have enough money so we debated a lot as to where our rendezvous was. Finally we agreed to have it in our boarding house since they are not allowed to “get drunk” in their apartment. So it was settled. We went into a frenzy trying to turn our room into a habitable state - because we lived like animals. And don’t ever pull that yuck-you’re-disgusting-you’re-a-lady crap on me. Laziness is one of my most evident trait so~ PEACE OUT! hehe.

Anyway, we just finished our “room cleaning” when Toteng suggested that we drink soju instead. She and her friend Yggy picked us from our boarding house and we went to a Korean store in Mabolo TO DRINK SOJU.

It was Toteng’s treat. She was upset because she was trash talked by her boss. That was why she was so desperate to get drunk. hahaha. So we got three bottles of soju - one for Tip, one for me and (supposedly) one for Toteng. Turned out she shared her bottle to Yggy and she just drank like 1/4. hahaha ~ very smooth. Yggy warned us earlier that soju will usually take effect long after you’ve finished the drink. I should have listened intently. :/

Not only did I finish my one bottle, I also drank Tip’s remaining 1/8 soju - bottoms up! Now, I’ve always prided myself to have a strong alcohol resistance. I was not easily drunk —- but this one? Gawd, I was embarrassing! 

I drank the whole bottle feeling really good. But moments after that, my head began to swirl and my friends’ faces turned into silhouettes! I woke up the next day with a throbbing head and a twisted ankle. :’c

Turned out I also threw up twice - in Yggy’s car and on my bed. I slept on my own vomit! Gawd! So embarrassing!

I kept thinking, “Bemjo is right. Bemjo is right.” My friend Bemjo stopped drinking alcohol because she believe that it has nothing beneficial to offer to anyone. But then I realize —- What the hell. I just exhausted myself, that’s all. I will have to contol myself better next time. ;)

I’m rationalizing, I know. Hell, that’s who I am. I rationalize. I procrastinate. But I also live my life everyday - to the fullest. Tip might say I don’t have a healthy lifestyle but as long as I’m happy (with myself and my friends) I don’t give a damn.  

On Friendship~

I just can’t understand life - everything about it. One moment you live in a fantasy you think is too damn real. Then a second after, you wake up and realize that yeah, it really was too good to be true.
    I am ordinary, just like everyone else. But I still find myself fortunate, even blessed, to have stuck with the right people in the course of my life. Friends - that’s what I call them. Even way back, I have always known that I’m destined to have good friends. Friends who I share my laughter, “kagagahan”, weird thoughts and stupid opinion of things.
    But I guess, even though others say I’m lucky with my friends, my mind disagrees over the matter. I have friends alright, but I guess It’s all just laughing and making “gaga” over ourselves — nothing deeper. My elementary friends, my high school friends and now my college friends.
    Every one of my circle of friends had a fantastic beginning - with promises of being “friends forever”. Now that phrase is just bullshit to me. Nothing lasts forever. Not life, and surely not friendship. 
    I started convincing myself when I was old enough that there is no such thing as “best friend”. Best friend or not, they still cheat on you, or leave you for someone who’s better to hang out with. I stayed with my friends, but not really staying with them. Know what I mean? No attachments. So that when they leave, I won’t be left bleeding. Sure they are my friends, but they have their own lives now, and I have mine. No use trying to relive what we had five, ten years ago when we have clearly chosen our separate paths. I lived that way, not a care if I have a hell of a friend or not. And then college came.
    I was a nobody entering a very complicated university. I didn’t know anybody. I had to start everything anew. I am not anti-social so I’m expecting to have acquaintances. And then I realized, what I have in the long run are friends. Friends who not only laugh with me, or make “gaga” of ourselves or do stupid stuff. They are the friends who understand me, make me realize what kind of person I am, give constructive criticism whenever I need one.
    Just then, without even knowing it, I find myself attached to them - the way I never felt before. There is a strong sense of dependence, like without them I will be completely lost. I was like in a circle where everything is too good to be true. I didn’t know it then, but the inevitable started to happen gradually — like a sneaky, ugly monster preparing to strike when everyone is unsuspecting.
    Then it just happened. And I am here writing all this stuff, believing that I once again believed in that damned dream-filled ever after. The strong foundation of our friendship began to crumble - unable to sustain itself from the attacks of fate.
    I knew it was a dream.. I knew it.

I Joined for Nothing~

Lately, I’ve been joining online communities that promise extra income. Sites like eYeka, hitRECord and Earnmailer. The problem is, I can’t really participate in these communities without the needed resources. Well except for Earnmailer that is. With Earnmailer, all you have to do is paste their urls onto your email and send as many emails as you can. So far I already have $1 and 18 cents. Hahaha! Lame, I know.

Anyway, back to my rant. eYeka gives its members the opportunity to join film and video making competitions from big companies. And hitRECord — well, basically they do remixes from their members’ contributions (i.e. video, music video, short film, poem, prose, photo, artwork). When your “record” is included to the remixes, you get part of the over-all income. My page though, as of now, is only composed of texts and pictures - not as interesting as the ones with multi-media records. 

I would have profited from these online communities - although not financially, at least the experience and self-training I could have developed in my video making skills. I’m sad because that skill is the passion I’ve been feeding since college. Short film making is my passion. I keep on fueling it by joining in these kinds of online communities. But hello! Another tragedy - as I stated earlier, I don’t have the needed resources. The basics (camera and laptop) would have given me more avenues to excel in my craft. 

I’m saving up to get these babies. But until then, I will have to make do with my current resources - which is my computer in our office and an occasional borrowed camera from my friend, Tip. And of course, perseverance, patience and a positive attitude.

Oh well. the story of my life. 

Reminiscing Happiness

When I was a kid, the downtown area of Bacolod City is my personal playground. I memorized every corner, every shortcut — just not the street names, I’m poor at that. :/

Anyway, I would cross the streets braving the danger of rushing vehicles. I was never afraid of crossing the street. Maybe because of that incident from when I was younger — but that’s a story for another time. :) I always feel a great adrenalin rush whenever I’m racing for my life. And in those moments when I’m only split seconds away from getting hit by a vehicle, and I survived, I would mentally laugh at the drivers thinking, “I win, losers!” I would savor every small victory and continue half trotting, half jumping to another building in the area.

I and my sister played house in the malls (Gaisano, Lopue’s Araneta, Lopue’s San Sebastian). We even befriended some of the salesladies! Maybe they thought we were cute. hehe. We would go from one mirror to the next, making all kinds of faces. We’d sit on crystal stalls and talk in whispers. One time, one of the stalls actually cracked because my sister was quite fat at that time, and the security guards had to fetch our mother from our fruit stand (just outside of Gaisano). She had to pay for that cracked glass too. :/ It took years before I managed to come near that crystal stall in the school supplies department again.

But there are fun times too! We would go to the groceries section and head to the large freezers where they put ice creams and other frozen products. We would scrape the ice that gathered at the sides of the freezers and we would throw it in the air — daydreaming of snow. Or we would go to the appliances section and watch whatever free show we can get from the large TVs. 

As I said earlier, my mother is a fruit vendor. We have a fruit stand in the sidewalks of Gatuslao St. in downtown Bacolod. That’s why I’m such an expert in the whereabouts of the area. I pretty much grew up there. And FYI, most of my relatives from my mother’s side are fruit vendors too (and damn good ones). That’s why the name EXALTADO is very popular in the central market and downtown area. You insult one, you insult the whole clan — that’s how tight our extended family is.

Anyway, because we couldn’t afford a yaya and Mama couldn’t leave me on my own, she brought me with her to the downtown every day. She would make a makeshift bed for me, made from two empty cartons of apples placed side by side. When I get bored in my mother’s fruit stand I would run across two streets and drink Milo in our clan’s Kapihan (small cafe) inside Central Market. It is named Cafe Exellente. Man, the coffee sure is excellent. It’s from pure Batangas coffee beans — always freshly ground and brewed. But I was still a kid back then so I would just stick to Milo. :)

I miss my playground now that I’m all old and bored and struggling in Cebu City. But most of all, I miss those moments when my biggest worry was how to avoid a rushing jeepney. I miss running around not caring about everyone else. I miss the feeling of childish delight when I eat a two peso ice scramble topped with condensed milk and chocolate syrup. I miss the daydreams and happiness that you can only feel if you were a kid.

Love and Everything Else

Love.

It is inside every kiss,

Enclosed in every embrace,

Expressed in every smile.

---

Some say they have to find love.

Why, it's right in front of their eyes!

The warm sun, the nice cup of coffee,

The mere air they breathe a faithful testament.

---

Right now I am staring at love.

It comes at this very moment,

As I sit here, feeling

It comes to  me.

---

I always know when it arrives.

The trees start to dance,

the wind starts to sing,

And hell, I'm in love!

---

I'm in love

And my heart bursts;

The feeling is overwhelming.

I can feel it down to my very toes.

---

Love.

It longs to be appreciated;

Even in its simplest form,

In its silence.

---

We always want complexity.

We want to get deeper into anything

Deeper and deeper until,

Until it gets too complicated, it misleads us.

---

Isn't it enough to know it's love?

Isn't it enough tofeel?

Why is it always defined,

When it is to be taken into heart?

---

Love is magic,

As others often say;

It is not to be sought.

It comes in its own place, in its own time.

---

So wherever you may be

Listen.

Feel.

See.

---

Embrace the love beside you.

Shout your heart out.

Sing with the wind. Scream...

"I'm in love!"